What I Learned in (TV) School Today

WWH – Consider this an accidental article. I had an accident. My brain got run over by a bus full of Congressional and Presidential betrayals that weighed a ton. I thought I would write about those betrayals but realized I had already written about most of them and just when I think I’ve come across a completely new topic, someone else has already written about it and posted it, although I am happy so many have taken their words right out of my mouth. You are welcome.

I thought of writing about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, adopted by the General Assembly of the United Nations in 1948. The Declaration includes all of our Bill of Rights but is much more comprehensive. There are 30 Articles in the Declaration, and after reading each of them, I find we are in violation of virtually all. That does not mean I won’t tackle this topic at some later date, but right now I feel another large bus, laden with suffering and misery, slowly rolling over me and crushing my muse in the process.

So I turned on the devil TV and channel surfed for a while thinking certainly something would inspire me…. a word, a phrase, a picture… and all I came up with was an internal tirade against cable companies for forcing me to buy packages of channels, even though I might only be interested in one. There was a time when Congress was going to broach this subject and require the FCC to allow consumers to choose a la carte, from the menu of all channels available to them, only those they wanted. My blood pressure rose as I went from one channel to another only to find almost every channel sucked! If I see one more reality show, funny (?) home videos of people getting seriously injured, or political pundits putting their spin on a problem that common sense alone could solve, I think I will voluntarily throw myself under a bus.

Then there are the incessant ads in which a soothing and confident voice exclaims the wonders of a new drug. That lasts about 15 seconds followed by another 30 seconds of disclaimers and side effects. Shoot me, please. The commercials take up almost as much air time as the show itself. The corporate propaganda is unnerving. Fossil fuel energy companies claim how invested they are in alternative technologies, how they really care about our health and our planet. Go frack yourselves!

With the TV stuck on whichever station I surfed last, I started going through my many books, certain I would find a topic that inspired me, but that wouldn’t require me to read the whole damn thing to write intelligently about it. It’s just one of those days, folks. I’ll get over it. I promise.

I couldn’t see the TV monitor, but my ears perked up when I heard the words, “Stacked, stuffed, and topped.” Sex always sells. So I turned around to watch the screen. It was an ad for the scrumptious food at Applebee’s. I must be a pervert. I could have sworn it would be an ad for Victoria’s Secret. Is it me? I know so many of the commercials on TV are double entendres, but usually they aren’t quite so blatant. Tell me I’m not crazy, but what do you think of when you hear “I love them stacked? I love them stuffed? We like being topped?” OK, maybe I am a perv!

“Dry hopping?” the sexy woman is asked. “It does sound like fun!” She answers demurely and with a glint of mischief in her eyes. “It does sound like fun,” I agree out loud. “I think I’d like to be dry hopped!” But as it turns out I’d have to jump into a vat of beer to really get my rocks off on the infusion of extra hops jostling my junk. Is there no one out there who hears these sexual innuendoes? Or shall I seek help?

I will admit that I really want the latest version of the Slice-O-Matic. It’s especially useful to a person with arthritis. But why wait until my fingers don’t work anymore? I can stave off the disability of severe arthritis by using this amazing tool. In fact, I can get two of them for the price of one… if I order right now, plus shipping and handling, which only costs… well you have to order them before you find out, but I can assure you the S&H is where they really make their money, just as a restaurant makes the most money off the hard liquor they sell, and not their food.

TV sucks! That’s all there is to it. Oh, there are a few exceptions. I love Cash Cab NY/Chicago. It feels right. The spontaneous disbelief and surprise of the passengers that they, of all people in the big city, have been chosen to go for a ride in the Cash Cab. Maybe a Double Ride! I can feel the adrenaline in the taxi, the sound of hands high five-ing. What? A Red Light Challenge? How did they get so lucky? Were they just in the right place at the right time? I like watching them have a good time and I love it when they lose and still leave graciously, knowing they got a free cab ride out of the deal. I love the concept. I hate myself for not thinking it up before anyone else did. I want to go for a ride in the Cash Cab with a Cash Cow like the S&H fees for the Slice-O-Matic. Please pick me up Ben Bailey, please pick me up. I always get every answer correct!

I really don’t watch all that much television anymore. I could easily get by with about 10 channels. I get complex questions answered for me in the most simple and understandable ways by South Park. Those guys are incredible. I would never have guessed I would finally understand Scientology, Mormonism or sub-prime derivatives, for example, by watching 20 minutes of animation.

The Simpsons are great. Dysfunctional as they may be, there is always a positive moral to the story. If no one comes forth that truly represents my desires for this country, I think I will write in Lisa Simpson or Kyle Broflovski as my choice for the nation’s leader.

The only news I trust besides the PBS Newshour and Worldwide Hippies, is the news I get from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I will be most curious to see how Colbert uses the large amounts of money he is bound to receive from his Colbert SuperPac!

If you find this article to be nothing but fluff, let me try to redeem myself by reminding you of the famous media guru, Marshall McLuhan. In his book The Medium is the Massage, he said “the medium IS the message.” My translation is this: Television is fascinating. The Oxford Dictionary defines “to fascinate” as “to captivate, engross, absorb, enchant, enthrall, entrance, transfix, rivet, mesmerize, engage, compel; lure, tempt, entice, draw; charm, attract, intrigue, divert, and entertain.” (Note, it does not “inform” or “educate.”) Television is the messenger and we are more fascinated with the messenger than we are with the message. Each of us must think, view, and hear critically. Knowing that the messenger is fascinating, perhaps we can discipline ourselves to de-fascinate it and find the real message behind the commercials, the mainstream news, the sitcoms, the vampires, the fake reality shows… and even the few we really like and trust.

On second thought, maybe it would just be easier to turn off the TV! Say goodnight, Gracie!

To contact Phil or find out more: check out his website and blog For a copy of HUNGA DUNGA
Phil Polizatto – Worldwide Hippies Bureau Chief – West Coast USA, is a graduate of The School of Foreign Service, Georgetown University. He was a feature writer for the overseas division of UPI, a copywriter for CBS, and an award-winning corporate film producer. Mr. Polizatto is a published poet and a regular contributor to Worldwide Hippies as well as a variety of other arts and literary journals. Hunga Dunga is his first published novel. He resides in the Pacific Northwest.