My Toilet Bowl is Bugged!

by Phil Polizatto, WWH – The Water Department came by the other day to install a small metering device under the lip of my toilet bowl. When I asked the reason, he said it would provide useful data concerning the amount of water I use, but I was suspicious. He tried to allay my concern by saying it would be useful not only to the Water Department, but to me as well. I might conserve more water after learning how much I really use and thereby have the incentive to flush less. He also warned me that if I tampered with it, it would set off an alarm at the Department’s headquarters, and they would immediately come out to see what was wrong. So not to worry. It was for my own good.

After he left, I took a magnifying glass to the device to discover who the manufacturer was and the model number. I googled the information and discovered the small, inconspicuous device was actually an extremely sensitive scatological forensic tool. It could instantaneously analyze my shit and send the results to the Water Department via a radio transmitter. The report would tell them what I had ingested that day or the day before, including any illegal drugs and alcohol, whether I was a vegan, vegetarian, or meat eater, what brands of food I preferred, a DNA sample of any pubic hairs that may have fallen into the bowl, my race, gender, ethnicity, and whether I wore briefs or boxers.

You think I’m spinning a yarn? I am. But it is not so far-fetched a scenario as you might think when you consider some other things. While the fabricated debt ceiling debate was consuming our attention, these were quietly accomplished by our government:

The House Judiciary Committee approved legislation on Thursday that would require Internet service providers (ISPs) to collect and retain records about Internet users’ activity.

CNET reported the bill would require ISPs to retain customers’ names, addresses, phone numbers, credit card numbers, bank account numbers, and temporarily-assigned IP addresses for 12 months. The bill passed by a vote of 19 to 10, and is aimed at helping law enforcement track down pedophiles.

The rationale for this bill is to enhance law enforcement’s efforts to develop leads that might result in saving a child. Oh, the pictures they conjure up! They may as well have used puppies! Children and puppies always pluck the heart strings, especially the ones who have chips embedded beneath their puppy-breath, fuzzy fur. I mean, really, how can anyone be against saving a puppy? I mean, a child. How dare we frustrate the enforcement of the law because we simply like that our ISP’s do not retain our private information or keep it for extended periods of time just in case the government wants it.

“The bill is mislabeled,” Rep. John Conyers (D-MI), a senior member of the panel told CNET. “This is not protecting children from Internet pornography. It’s creating a database for everybody in this country for a lot of other purposes.” – The Raw Story, Eric W. Dolan.
“The data retention mandate in this bill would treat every Internet user like a criminal and threaten the online privacy and free speech rights of every American, as lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have recognized.” -Senior Staff Attorney, Kevin Bankston of the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

For all I know, Lamar Smith and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, who sponsored this bill, had the best intentions. For all I know, you think I’m an insensitive pedophile! I’m not. But so far law enforcement has done just fine using technology and databases that we know exist. Second of all, I am sure in my gut, law enforcement already has access to anything it wants. And my ISP? I don’t trust it either. I am sure they already know everything about me. And if put under enough pressure, they would cough it up. So if you are in favor of a bill that would legislate what is already being done, add to that, this:

While we were all so engrossed in the debt ceiling debate, a group of Senators were meeting behind closed doors to renew, as quickly as possible, a section of the Patriot Act, even though it is not due to be renewed until 2012. The section of the Patriot Act in question is the FISA Amendments Act of 2008, which gave George W. legal sanction to create warrantless surveillance programs. It gave him the right to create 16 separate spy agencies. It is a bill that the Obama administration likes a lot and wants re-authorized “soon.”

There are some stumbling blocks to its passage. It would have to be attached to the Intelligence Authorization Bill which is due to come before the full Senate this session. To that end the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence will begin meeting this Thursday, August 4th.

http://intelligence.senate.gov/memberscurrent.html

The Committee would like to extend the FISA laws until December of 2013, when it would come up for renewal again.

The Center for National Security Studies is concerned because:

“What we haven’t gotten is an explanation from either Congress or the Justice Department about what the law authorizes in terms of massive surveillance of Americans’ communications. It is not reasonably possible to identify the number of people located in the United States whose communications may have been reviewed under the authority of the FISA Amendments Act.”

Senators Ron Wyden and Mark Udall expressed their concern that “the communications of law-abiding Americans were caught in the surveillance dragnet the act authorizes.” Isn’t that encouraging. They both sit on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. Coincidence? How convenient. But I’ll let you be the judge.

We already have very smart phones that can track us; our conversations and texts recorded. We already have very smart cars whose telemetric capabilities are so advanced; they may as well be telepathic. I wish someone would develop a stealth app! I don’t mean to be the perennial cynic, but isn’t our right to privacy one of our most cherished ones?

Can you take more? How about Chucky Schumer’s brainchild? He wants to deploy the same kind of drones used in Afghanistan and Pakistan over our own country. These drones are so high-tech, they come equipped with high-powered cameras, biologic sensors, heat sensors, listening devices and god knows what else… weapons? They are just the cutest things! Schumer thinks it kills two birds with one stone. It increases our security against terrorists (including peace activists and hippies) and it provides jobs. The jobs… eh? I don’t think so, Chuck. Probably they’ll just have a video game contest in the barracks one night and whoever is the best gets a desk job flying drones all over the land, zooming in on all sorts of crazy stuff. Great way to catch pot growers and nudists. We already have a great jobs program, Chuck. It’s called war!

Then you have your “smart meters” that utility companies have already begun to install on electric and gas meters. They are actually radio transmitters. From all the technical articles I’ve read, the waves travel through your home’s electrical grid and can be very dangerous and unhealthy. In fact, you might notice a change in your health within days of its installation. Many people are already complaining. Especially since there do exist other technologies that can read your meters remotely without transmitting harmful waves. They merely read your meter. Complicit in all this are the appliance manufacturers whose latest models include radio transmitters of their own.

http://www.electricalpollution.com/smartmeters.html
http://www.smartmeterdangers.com/

These smart meters transmit information to your Electric and Gas Company. The information includes when you use your electric toothbrush, whether you are using your toaster or your blender; if you are using both at the same time, it can distinguish between the two. It knows when you are watching TV. It knows when you are on vacation. It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you’re awake, it knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for heaven’s sake! You better watch out! You’d better not cry. You’d better not shout and I’m telling you why…

Big Brother is coming to town! And I wouldn’t be surprised if he shows up riding a drone, smart phone in hand, dressed as a plumber from the Water Department to install my new scatological forensic transmitting device under the lip under my toilet!

To contact Phil or find out more: check out his website and blog For a copy of HUNGA DUNGA
Phil Polizatto – Worldwide Hippies Bureau Chief – West Coast USA, is a graduate of The School of Foreign Service, Georgetown University. He was a feature writer for the overseas division of UPI, a copywriter for CBS, and an award-winning corporate film producer. Mr. Polizatto is a published poet and a regular contributor to Worldwide Hippies as well as a variety of other arts and literary journals. Hunga Dunga is his first published novel. He resides in the Pacific Northwest.