Pooping!

by Phil Polizatto, WWH – All good hippies know that bodily functions are nothing to be shy about. In fact they are things of beauty. Nevertheless, people often look askance when certain bodily functions are brought up, especially taking a crap. Why that should be, I do not know, since we are exposed to sex, violence, gore, and war, all of which seems to be acceptable topics for conversation. Yet in the United States, if a person talks about poop, people look away in disgust. How can they do that when pooping correctly is a healing art!

It all started when the Doughboys came home from Europe after World War I. They had seen and used what would become the “western toilet.” Yet most of those Doughboys were no different from anyone who has camped out in the woods and used a latrine. You dug a hole, squatted over it, and pooped. It was as simple as that, and actually the healthiest way to take a crap. People, who visit Asia, South America, Africa, the Middle East, and even parts of Europe, are often appalled to walk into a bathroom to find nothing but a cemented hole in the ground with a foot rest on either side. “How uncivilized,” they say or think, and often ask around where they might find a “real” Western sit-down toilet.

A number of people have been credited with inventing the Western sit-down toilet, from a watch maker to a cabinet maker to a plumber. Yet even if one day it is determined who the original inventor of the Western toilet was, none of them were gastroenterologists. None of them knew how the gastro-intestinal tract truly worked. Those Doughboys made the sit-down toilet de rigueur in America, and soon afterwards, those who didn’t use one were considered uncivilized, much to the deleterious effects on our bodies and our health.

Pooping 1.0! - Fortunately, the aboriginal tribe known as Hunga Dunga, and other communes in the 60’s and 70’s knew better. They knew that squatting was the preferred way of shitting and the news spread quickly. It became known as Asshole Consciousness. Thanks to Asshole Consciousness, Hunga Dunga had the cleanest lower digestive tracts, rectums, and sphincters in San Francisco. Squatting became the norm. It was also highly recommended not to use toilet paper which is a waste of trees and abrasive on the tush. The sudden drop in the sales of toilet paper must’ve stymied local businesses. The more industrious communes installed spigots next to the toilet so that one could clean themselves with warm water, customarily using their left hand. It was much more ecological and certainly gentler on ones bottom. And the left hand found itself less used in public but more vigorously washed in private. Perhaps that is why, in many non-Western countries, it is considered rude to offer your left hand in greeting, even though the left hand was probably cleaned thoroughly.

When Hunga Dunga bought land in the country, the first thing we did was to find a hill near “base camp” while we built our geodesic dome. The hill was designated for the sole purpose of pooping. Fortunately, the hill was thick with mullein plants, whose large, soft and fuzzy leaves made a superb substitute for toilet paper. “Shitter’s Hill,” as it came to be known, was soon pockmarked with small holes covered by mounds of dirt. It looked like we had an infestation of gophers. But it worked out beautifully as an interim solution until we could build an outhouse to our squatting specifications.

Unfortunately, by the end of the 70’s, many a hippie had reintegrated into mainstream society. They may not have left their values behind, but they did leave their squat toilets behind. Oh, how easily we forget! But many, including myself, didn’t. It was just sort of strange when someone opened the bathroom door without knocking to find me with my feet precariously balanced on the toilet seat hugging my knees. I would have to give them the discourse I’m giving you now, and after a while it got tiresome explaining and justifying this method of elimination. And I admit putting one’s feet on the toilet seat did not seem very considerate to the person who would be using the toilet next.

I discovered that by putting a step stool or upside down milk crate in front of the toilet that I could sit on the toilet with my feet raised high, knees closer to my chest, and could simulate fairly well the preferred position of squatting. You can imagine the thrill I got when, after 40 years, I came upon a 2011 video which validated my bodily position of choice. With thanks to Sean Croxton and Underground Wellness, I present for your health the following:

Pooping 2.0!

Pooping 3.0! Needless to say, I was very curious when my partner came home from a business trip and told me he stayed in a hotel with the most awesome toilet. It did everything except sprinkle baby powder on your butt and kiss your little cheeks. It is called an “intelligent toilet seat” and with one search, I found many different kinds of intelligent toilet seats. My only regret is that none of them are manufactured here in the United States. They are made in China, Japan, and Korea. And they looked pricey.

Last week when I went out to my “casita” office, I found a belated Birthday surprise. There in the bathroom, he had installed an intelligent toilet seat atop my toilet bowl. He said it was very easy to install and to give it a try. He handed me a remote control. Made for men and women, it has both front and back jets which shoot a nice stream of warm water. You can adjust the directions to suit the particular placement of your lower orifices. If you wish, the jets of water can oscillate, providing a most pleasurable experience. The seat itself can be warmed for your comfort, and after letting the intelligent toilet seat cleanse you thoroughly, press the dryer function on the remote, and warm air rushes all around your bottom, drying you completely. It is so effective and efficient, the need for toilet paper is completely obsolete.

But was it cost effective? (Don’t worry, I am not going to say, “And if you order one right now…”) If you use all possible functions on the seat, it uses 660 watts of electricity. One or two minutes is enough to do the job, so I figure it costs no more than turning on a space heater for two minutes and less than boiling a cup of water in your microwave. Given a roll of toilet paper with 1000 sheets, the average person uses 49 rolls of toilet paper a year. That’s the equivalent of 2.8 miles or 5,645 square feet and comes to $52.43 per year. That’s just one person, using an inexpensive brand of paper and an average of 4-8 sheets per sitting. Though some models are as expensive as $600, the model of intelligent toilet seat I have cost $186.00. That means within a year or less, for a family of four, the toilet seat easily pays for itself. In addition, not using toilet paper saves trees and reduces costs at your water treatment plant, thereby saving more energy.

I still use a step stool on which to place my feet which brings me close to a true squatting position. And for those who read my columns regularly… no, this toilet seat is not bugged! These seats are quickly becoming widely used, especially in fancier hotels. They’re all the rage. When they start installing built-in foot rests, they will have come close to epitomizing the healthiest way to take a crap!

Nothing will take the place of true squatting. But as one ages, it becomes more difficult to get into that position. The intelligent toilet seat combined with a foot stool is about the closest you can come to the gastroenterologists dream machine. I guess you could say this is just one more example that the hippies had the answers all along!

Next week: How to give birth while working in the fields.

To contact Phil or find out more: check out his website and blog For a copy of HUNGA DUNGA
Phil Polizatto – Worldwide Hippies Bureau Chief – West Coast USA, is a graduate of The School of Foreign Service, Georgetown University. He was a feature writer for the overseas division of UPI, a copywriter for CBS, and an award-winning corporate film producer. Mr. Polizatto is a published poet and a regular contributor to Worldwide Hippies as well as a variety of other arts and literary journals. Hunga Dunga is his first published novel. He resides in the Pacific Northwest.