Why Are American Children Out of Control?
By Milva Matseva,WWH/CJE-The ear piercing scream has continued for 10 minutes now and the pulsing in my ears slowly builds up into a full-blown headache. One of these which don’t stop for hours, echoing the screams of the eight-year-old before my register.
She is an adorable little girl, curly blond hair and a pink dress with butterflies drawn all over it. Her
full red cheeks are burning with rage and her little frame is shaking with effort to jump higher and cry
louder.
No, she doesn’t want the fries, she wants pizza!
I shake my head and turn to my next customer. A mother with three teenage girls. She orders a large
sprite and a pizza.
“Mother, I don’t want that, I told you ,don’t get me that. I don’t want it!”
“I’m getting that for myself then, it’s not all about you,” the mother answers calmly, apparently used to
nervous burst outs in public.
The teenager continues protesting about something with an angry voice and clenched fists. For a minute there, I thought she might hit her mother.
I breathe out as they, too, sit close to my register to eat.
The next half an hour is a circus of an utmost scale.
As a European, my natural reaction was to get out and give the eight-year-old a good spanking and the
teenager I would ground for at least a week. The parents of these two children, though, calmly drank their sodas, completely unperturbed and apparently used to such kind of behavior to the point where it is a natural part of their environment.
So, what is wrong with American kids and why are they out of control?
Why do I see whining, jumping, screaming and bad attitude wherever I go, no matter the age or social
class? Public displays of rage here are so often that I sometimes wonder is this the USA or an open-door zoo.
We should again start with that one word which makes everyone want to come and stay here: freedom.
Freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of… parental control, apparently.
Children can do whatever they want. And while you have some space to discipline a teenager without
slapping them, the simple fact is, once they are teenagers and out of control, they cannot easily be
changed. Everything starts from an early age when doing wrong should be associated with negative
emotions, like spanking.
And here I see a big red light and a police car after me. Because if, in the USA, I decide to spank my child, I may go to jail.
“Spanking is now considered abuse so they (the children) do not associate doing wrong with pain,” said Kaylynn Bolgrihn, a mother of a 4- and a 3-year old. She doesn’t talk about beating up the child or hitting them every time they decide to act out. She simply pointed out that a little child sometimes needs to learn a lesson and a few spanks on his behind are neither degrading, nor wrong, if they serve a purpose.
Moreover, until the child is old enough to understand, up until their early pre-teens, spanking is the
most effective and immediate way to say “no.”
The law disagrees.
So a little child, seeing that there is no pain no matter what he/she does, will only grow bolder and jump higher on the ladder of temper tantrums. There is no “no” and there is sometimes no control. But it is not only about control, it is about safety and protection. A parent doesn’t just say no because they are strict, they say no because they know better and want to teach their child a lesson in obedience, respect and order which will help them in life.
“I do want my children to respect people and property,” said Bolgrihn. “I would rather crush them being defiant now because you never know when obedience could save their life,” she continued, giving as an example an obedient child who listens and doesn’t cross the street alone and a defiant child who doesn’t listen and may end up hit by a car.
Situations of such gravity should be addressed right away, the minute they happen. If the child says “no” and crosses the street, the lesson in obedience should be as fast as possible. If not spanked/punished immediately, the child’s memory will probably erase a big part of the emotion behind the situation and the late punishment will be only a mere echo of what it should have been. But the law forbids that immediate punishment, thus creating defiant children, uncontrollable teenagers and indifferent parents.
And in indifference comes even more freedom and lack of control.
“Three boys, can you imagine? They never listen,” the middle-aged woman in the hair salon is looking at me with wide open eyes. “I can’t wait to send them off to college and get rid of them.” She says it with a smile and apparent intention to be taken as a joke.
Unfortunately, I have heard that so many times that I no longer believe that they are joking. Every second parent I meet says that they want to send theirchildren off to college and get rid of them.
While European parents try to hold onto their children as long as possible, the Americans do the
opposite. Maybe because Americans statistically have more children than Europeans and don’t have the patience to deal with them all. Which leads us to why would you have many children only so as to get rid of them soon. Maybe the culture here is simply quite different.
All I know is that in Europe I have never heard a parent say they want to get rid of their child, not even
as a joke. Because a joke that everyone repeats is truer than any truth. And the truth is, somewhere
between the lack of control and lack of desire to discipline their children, American parents kinda endure until the kids turn 18 and go away. An event quite rare in any European country where children stay with their parents long after high school, but at the same time have an attitude that makes them way more sufferable than their American counterparts.
What made me think of that lady in the salon is the fact that she was a stay-at-home mom, dedicating all her time to her children, able to watch them closely and exercise the control needed. Then why did she have an issue with her children’s discipline?
In Europe, a child would sometimes see their mother once a day before bed or even less if the
grandparents are taking care and the mother is working. Still, public temper tantrums are quite rare
even though not completely unheard of. The most uncontrollable children I have seen in the States were usually accompanied by women who were visibly, by their way of clothing, stay-at-home moms. It turns out that a stay at home mom in the USA has less control over her children than any working mother in Europe.
Having seen Bolgrihn’s children and her parenting methods that include spanking, but not getting rid
of the children or complaining about them in public, it makes me wonder if I am not wrong. Maybe it
is not the freedoms that kids in America are given that makes up the issue of discipline, maybe it is just
the parents. Quite possibly my journalism professor Mark Wollemann will turn out to be right, after all,
saying that “It’s just bad parenting.”
Yes, quite possible. But no matter the reason why, it is the question that stays as a fact:
Why are American children out of control? And who is going to do something about it?
I gave one of my grandsons a swift smack on the butt when he darted toward the street and it made him remember, but for the most part, I don’t spank and I surely wouldn’t want to break a childs spirit. Lastly, this is NOT the norm for American children. Most are well behaved with loving parents. The majority of children are not out of control. when my children were small, I stayed home with them…who better to nurture our children than their mother? I smelled a little mom bashing here. And seriously how do we judge a stay at home mother by here clothing? Next time I change a diaper, I will be sure to wear an Armani suit and some heels.
“It turns out that a stay at home mom in the USA has less control over her children than any working mother in Europe.” Wow, now that is an assumption and not based on fact at all. In fact, it is down right, bullshit and opinion based.
I’m sorry, my personal experience would see me in agreement with the author. I work in the food service industry and the majority of children I see are indeed out of control brats, screaming their heads off in public without any input from the the parents either way. If they’re not doing that they’re throwing food all over or jumping on tables and seats or running around in circles knocking stuff over. I’m not saying they’re all like this, but the majority certainly is. All this said, I do realize that my observations are likely skewed in relation to the whole population, as responsible parents most likely aren’t taking their kids out to eat every day. Nevertheless, I see what i see, and the current trend in our society certainly does seem to be that you can’t punish your kids anymore or you’re an abusive parent.
Also, you seem to be getting overly worked up over an article that’s not addressed at anyone specifically. Criticism is a healthy thing when it comes to society, we need to look at ourselves sometimes and ask whether what we’re doing is right. It’s nothing to get offended over.
Diana, I am absolutely against breaking a child’s spirit and I do not believe in abusing children, neither does the person I quoted. She didn’t mean “crush them” as crushing their spirit, but as crushing their defiance. A small child understands when they have to stop, they just want to test a parent’s limits. One spank on the butt can be the best thing you teach your child, just like you did with your grandson. We are not talking about anything more.
As for the stay at home moms, yes, this is only my opinion… But for two years now I see american children out of control and 90% of the moms of these children are stay at home. Maybe my reasoning is not very good, but this is just an observation.
Also, there is something about stay at home moms, something more casual and homey. I don’t criticize the clothing, I just point out that it is visible sometimes when it is a stay at home mom. And I certainly don’t think any mother should change diapers with an armani costume. I have changed my sister’s diapers plenty of times to know that the best way to do it sometimes is almost naked, so you don’t end up with poo on your shirt
Maybe my reasoning is insufficient, maybe I should have written this as an article and not as an opinion piece, maybe I didn’t quite explain everything the way it was in my head. But the fact (and my opinion) stay: I think american children are out of control. The arrogance and the coldness with which I see them treating their parents when they are older, as well as the temper tantrums of the young ones are just so often and so multiple that I stand firmly behind my opinion.
Maybe your children are an exception and this is great, I hope more people take care of their children the way you do.
I didn’t mean to offend anyone, I didn’t address the article to anyone specific, so, please, don’t take it personally.
The day we quit spanking our children, was the day America lost control of its children. The future generations will pay for this in a way none of can comprehend yet! I will always believe, spare the rod, spoil the child! A sad world we live in now!
Couldn’t get more than half way through the article before I tuned out. Spanking never has solved anything and never will. If a parent uses love and positive reinforcement they shouldn’t need to spank or use corporal punishment. The end.
Wowzers….I’m thinking if these great United States are such a terrible place to raise kids, why the heck are you working and living here? Please, do us all a favor and GO HOME. But seriously, as a grown adult who got hit quite frequently, I can assure you, hitting a child teaches them nothing but fear. Fear in turn often turns to lying to avoid being hit, bullying (since being the bigger stronger person is the obvious answer to getting your way…Duh) and or growing up and marrying someone who has little control over emotions and berates and/or hits, hitting your own children…you see how the cycle goes. And to those who claim that children should be spanked ‘but never when you’re angry’ I say, “Get me some wellies cause I sure did step in some pretty deep sh!t” Nobody who hits a child does it calmly. Hitting is done in anger when one loses control.
On the other hand, I do believe in punishment that is predetermined, dished out and seen through to the end…just not the kind that leaves a temporary welt and a permanent invisible scar.
I giggled when I read this and thought you must be German, because I’ve seen so many misbehaved children and parents that don’t care in France and Italy.
I don’t know who told you spanking is illegal but it’s not. There are a dozen states in the US where the SCHOOL has the legal right to spank kids, forget about the teachers.
I’m guessing you’re working in fast food / food service collecting information for your doctorate? Yeah – didn’t think so. Maybe if you don’t like kids and parents you should work at a nicer restaurant where you’re less likely to have to be subjected to them.
Forget about the PARENTS, that is.
Ok I read it. Does the author even have children? Most likely by the way she sounds she doesn’t. What happens when her future children behave badly? Is she then a poor parent? It seemed a little too opinionated for me. And I think if you do not have children that you have no right to bash kids or their parents. Even the most well behaved kids can be total asshats when the urge strikes them. Anyway, I have been known to spank on occasion, just depends on the severity of the behavior. Other than that I use time out A LOT and a ton of idle threats that seem to get the job done for the most part. Bottom line … kids will be kids, and they will not be perfect well behaved members of society 24/7, most adults have problems with that so I don’t understand how you can expect it from a child. And further more if kids are that damn great in Europe carry your ass back there so that you don’t have to deal with bratty american children!
This is just too funny…. I am a single stay at home mom and I can tell you My child knows and never throws a temper fit anywhere in public…. she knows better… I don’t have to spank her never have I had too.. lay a hand on my child…. this is so wrong on so many level’s ….children everywhere need to be corrected yes… but we don’t have to spank our kid’s to make them productive adults…. sorry but spanking a child isn’t gonna work… #1 its just wrong.. its mean….#2 its over and done they forget it too fast…and if u have to do it to where they wont forget it well then it will leave a mark and that is abuse..its teaching them to be bully’s and teaching them its ok to keep the cycle going….this world has enough people out there killing others and lil ones….dont ya think???
I have been a 2nd, 5th, Middle school, and high school teacher for 26 years, and my experience suggests to me that the author of this article is an intolerant idiot, who I sincerely hope does not have children. I have taught kids from around the world, from a variety of cultures and Socio-economic backgrounds, and I have found that what turns kids into monsters is parents who are not up to the job of being a Mom or Dad. The parents who crank out brats are the parents who : a) want to be “a friend” to their children, rather than an authority, b) are spineless and can’t stand up to a demanding toddler/ teenager , or, c) are so wrapped up in themselves and awash in narcissism that they ignore their responsibilities. It’s not the kids.
Kids are the clay. It’s what parents do with the clay that is most important. The kids I have encountered haven’t changed; they are normal, everyday, garden variety kids, with all the potential and problems kids have always had. It is true that there ARE monsters out there, and working at McDonald’s one will probably see a disproportionate share of them. It is a truism in my job that the nice kids are overshadowed by those who aren’t, but the nice kids outnumber the turds by about 30 to 1.
Here’s some gratuitous advice, leave off criticizing children ( of any nationality) until you have some. You many find the job is tougher than you think.
http://health.usnews.com/health-news/news/articles/2012/07/02/spanking-batters-kids-mental-health-study